Joke

An atheist was walking through the woods.  “What majestic trees!”  “What powerful rivers!”  “What beautiful animals!”  He said to himself!
 

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”

Time Stopped.  The bear froze.  The forest was silent.  As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.  Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very Well,” said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

Wednesday, June 3rd, 2015

Last night, at 10pm I realized I hadn’t taken my prostate pill for the night.  After that I asked Teresa if Laura made the exercise cycle payment for June and we found out for some reason they only charged her 96mil instead of the usual 100mil.  That led to me bringing out the bankers box and going through all of our receipts.

I took my sleeping pills at 11pm and went to bed.

I fell asleep quickly and didn’t wake/get up until Laura was leaving at 5:15.  After a trip to the bathroom and trying unsuccessfully to get back to sleep, at 6am I told Teresa I was getting up and she asked me to get her up at 7am.

At 6:15, as I came out of the shower, Teresa was already up.  

Teresa told me it’s now summer and there shouldn’t be as much rain as there had been lately.

At 6:50am Teresa informs me she didn’t sleep well so she wants to go back to bed and go to Merkepaisa tomorrow.  Sigh!

I went back to bed, got up at 7:30, took 2 more sleeping pills, went back to bed and slept until 11:30.

When I got up Laura was already back from school and I seemed to be vaguely aware of her returning while I was sleeping.

I submitted a review to Trip Advisor for the Envigado restaurant Carbón de Leña.  That’s the 4^th review I’ve submitted; maybe I didn’t mention all the others.

Teresa and I finished Mission of the Shark (6.4) and then watched Must Love Dogs (5.9) and Maverick (7.0).

I took my prostate medicine at 10pm, my sleeping pills at 11pm and went to bed.

T-shirt of the day: Life is like a washing machine, it twists and turns and knocks us around but in the end we come out cleaner.

Joke

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal!  I have a question though, why is your head so small?”

The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously heard this question many times. “One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream.

So I picked up the frog and it said, “Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.” So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, “You now have 3 wishes.” I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, “I want a body like Arnold Schwarzeneger.” She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, “What will be your second wish?” I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, “I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.” She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. “We made love for hours!”

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, “You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?”

I looked at her and replied, “How about a little head?”

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2015

I didn’t sleep real well.  I felt like I still had a little headache even though I took the Excedrin yesterday.  

After breakfast I took one more Excedrin and took a nap for an hour.  Even though I didn’t sleep I felt better afterwards.

Laura came back at 1:30.

Teresa and I started watching Mission of the Shark (6.4).

 I was tired again and we’re getting up early tomorrow to go shopping in Caldas so I took my sleeping pills at 10pm and went to bed.

Monday, June 1st, 2015

I slept thru the night, probably because Teresa did too, getting up only at 6am, finally waking/getting up at 8am.

I thought we might be leaving at 9am for Envigado but Teresa told me it would be 11 or 11:30.

My pension deposits arrived on Saturday but I’m still waiting for Social Security which should be here no later than tomorrow.

We left the finca at 11:50 and got past the killer dogs undetected.  At the bottom of the hill there are now stairs built into the side of the hill.  Today, once again, there was a cement mixer with a nozzle to transport cement to the top of the hill.  However, I have no idea what they are doing up there.

We waited 10 minutes for a bus to Envigado followed by a taxi to Carbon de Lena where we had lunch for 22mil.

By this time it was 1:15 and I was concerned for Teresa’s 2pm appointment.  

We stopped at Bancolombia where I took out some cash and we noticed there was no line for the preferred customers so I quickly made my health insurance payment and the quarterly municipal tax payment.  Then we walked a couple blocks away to $efecty where we paid the Direct TV and Une bills for June.

We took a taxi to the spa where Teresa had her 5^th massage while I read my Nook in the food court of the mall across the street.  I see now that the mall’s name is Visitacion but that doesn’t mean I’ll remember it.  Teresa told me she made a hair appointment for Friday at 2pm.  I think it’s for a hair coloring but I don’t know why she chose a spot so far away from Envigado.

We walked a couple blocks to Zona Dos where Teresa exchanged a blouse she had bought there at Michelle for a knitted cotton dress for an extra 78mil.  

We went upstairs and had lunch at The Market Delicatesen for 49,872.  I was going to order their Philly CheeseSteak sandwich but since Teresa ordered a Mexican salad, I ordered a chicken Cesar salad.  It was very tasty with the cheese and croutons.  Teresa told me she could make the same salad at home.  I had a tension headache behind my eyes but I felt better after taking a couple Excedrin.  They had a sign that said they have wi-fi, and the waitress gave me the key: 123market but even after trying that and 123Market, 123MARKET, 123TheMarket, I still wasn’t able to get a connection so I gave up.  Now that I think about it, maybe I needed to enter unodostresmarket.

We took a taxi to Envigado and on the way I again saw Chicago’s Deep Dish Pizza restaurant at Calle 20 Sur #27-55.  In Envigado we stopped at Todo Drogas where I stocked up on my medicine for the month.  I also wanted to buy another small box of bandaids but he pulled out a 100 count box.  I told him that’s too many and he counted out 20 of them for us for 2mil.

We took a taxi to the Exito nearest the highway where Teresa bought a credit card for Laura.  I understand this is connected with Laura’s school trip to Cartagena but I don’t understand the reason for the card.

We bought a jar of coffee and took a taxi to the highway.  After 10 minutes we were on a bus back to the finca.  

I was happy there was a full moon because I didn’t have my cell phone with me.  One of the killer dogs seemed to be waiting for us at the top of the hill.  I guess he was alone as he backed off pretty quickly.  As we approached the neighbor’s house the killer dogs came out.  Teresa threw a stone at them and that kept them away.

Despite the Excedrin I took earlier I was still not feeling well so I took my sleeping pills at 10pm and went to bed.

T-shirt of the day: Short days, long nights.

Joke

One day a kid went to school and the teacher said, “For homework, I want you to find out the difference between ‘hypothetically’ and ‘realistically’.” So the kid went home and asked his father, “Dad, what’s the difference between ‘hypothetically’ and ‘realistically’?”

His father replied, “Ask your mother if she’d sleep with somebody for a million dollars.” The son sort of looked at his father funny, but proceeded.

“Mom, would you sleep with someone for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Well son that is quite a large sum of money…but I think I would.”

So the son went back to his father and said, “Dad, Mom said she would do it, but I just don’t understand, what does that have to do with ‘hypothetically’ and ‘realistically’?”

The father replied, “Don’t worry about it, and just ask your sister if she’d do it.” Reluctantly the boy went and asked his sister. She replied, “A million dollars? OF COURSE I WOULD DO IT!!”

So, the boy returned once again to his father saying, “Dad, she said she’d do it too, but I still don’t understand what that has to do with ‘hypothetically’ and ‘realistically’?”

The father replied, “Well son, HYPOTHETICALLY we’re sitting on two million dollars, REALISTICALLY, we’re living with a couple of whores!”

Sunday, May 31st, 2015

I slept fitfully mainly because Teresa was sniffling during the night.  Not surprisingly, when we got up at 9am, she informed me she didn’t sleep well so we are not going to mass in Envigado this morning.  But tomorrow, being the first of the month when my medical insurance is due, we have to go to Envigado.

Teresa was watching a Rolling Stones concert on TV and she couldn’t believe it when I told her Mick Jagger is 70 years old.  I googled his age and he will be 72 in July.

Teresa said she felt cold so before she took her shower she wanted to warm up.  It’s a sunny day today so we took a walk up the path just short of the neighbor’s house.  All 4 dogs went with us with Peluche, the brave one, leading the way.

Teresa watched a mass on TV from 11:30 to 12:15.

I watched more episodes of The Walking Dead on Netflix.  

We started watching Mission of the Shark (6.4) but Teresa couldn’t keep her eyes open so we stopped and she took a nap.

I finished Season 4 of The Walking Dead; now I’ll probably have to wait 6-12 months for Netflix to offer seasons 5 & 6.

I took my sleeping pills at 11pm and went to bed.