Saturday, January 26, 2019

Last night we went to bed at 11pm as usual.  I fell asleep quickly and got up at 4am for my typical trip to the bathroom.  I woke/got up at 7am and was surprised to find Teresa in another bedroom.  I asked if I was snoring and she replied no but at 2am she heard a couple drunk girls outside the building fighting.

About 9:30 I walked down to the mall where I had a café con leche and did some reading.  After, I stopped in Exito where I picked up a few things that Teresa requested.

Coming out of Exito I noticed a couple people training dogs, one of which looked like a husky.  They would walk around and then stop and as soon as the dog sat down they would give it a treat.

Teresa left at 1:45 with Esmeralda for a special 4-hour mass at the University of Medellin.  The priest is supposed to be an American.  I still declined.  Teresa took 3 cookies with her, one for Esmeralda, one for her son Alejandro and one for Teresa.  We have 2 left – time to make more cookies.

I forgot to mention yesterday while I was waiting outside the theater I observed a young girl reading a bible.  It’s interesting how Colombians can recite prayers over and over again but they don’t read the bible.  I never see anyone in church with a bible.  (Of course, if they did have one it would probably be too dark for them to read it. Lol.)

I refilled the bird feeder with more sugar water and 5 minutes later I a hummingbird arrived.  Unfortunately, when I snuck a look it flew away.

When Teresa returned at 8pm she brought me a hamburger.

Laura texted me on and off throughout the day.  With Sara they took Olivia to the pool for swim class, they went to a bank to open an account, then they went to the supermarket.  In the evening she met another au pair named Mariana (from Mexico) and they had pizza.  From the menu she sent me I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Greek owned.  Then they went to a sports bar where they had dessert.  Laura said she couldn’t order a drink because she forgot to bring her passport with her.  She asked me how to say “quiero llevarme el postre” in English and I said “Can I get this to go”?

Joke of the day

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

Friday, January 25, 2019

Last night I went to bed at 11pm, fell asleep quickly and woke up, too early, at 5:40am.  I eventually fell back asleep waking/getting up at 8am.

Teresa left at 9:25.  She’s going to eps to see if she can get an appointment with an oncologist for her cancer treatment.

I left at 9:30 for the gym.  I completed all my exercises in about an hour and 45 minutes.

Teresa was back at the apt when I returned.  I understand they will call her with an appointment.

She told me Laura left the house last night and when she came back she went into the wrong house – luckily it turned out to be a brother or sister or someone else in the family.

Among new US movie releases there isn’t anything I want to see.

Locally, I would like to see Escape Room (6.4) but it’s only playing late at night, Destroyer (6.8) playing at 2:10 in Vizcaya, and Papillon (7.1) is only playing late at night.

Even though Teresa was having lunch with a friend she told me she was hungry so we walked up to Buena Mesa where we had lunch at Asados.

She walked back to the apt and I took a bus to Calle 10.  I saw lots of gringos around.  It was an hour before my movie so I walked up to Vizcaya.  Even though I was in shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt I was sweating by the time I arrived.  I bought a preferred seating ticket for 9,000 pesos.  I asked the girl when I could have my platinum card and she said February.

The movie, Destroyer (6.8), starring Nicole Kidman, was good but not great.

I walked down the hill and stopped at Envios Market to pick up my mail.  They gave me my February Reader’s Digest, 2 more BSI Financial letters (one with my wife’s name on it), a 1099-R and, what I really needed, a Medicare handbook.

Outside I quickly caught a Sabaneta bus (and even got a seat) but we crawled through the Gold Mile.

I was back at the apt by 5:30.

Teresa returned at 7:15 and said she was held up in Avenida Poblado traffic for an hour – but maybe she exaggerates.

Teresa told me that Laura went for coffee (she’s only about a 20 minute walk from a Starbucks) and an older man paid for her coffee.  Teresa told me she’s probably bored because she doesn’t have her girlfriends to go out with on a Friday night.

I texted Sara and recommended she teach Laura about how to call 911.  She texted back that she already knows about it.  I guess it was taught at her orientation.  She also said tomorrow they are going to get her a US sim card.

Joke of the day

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents.  After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.  “So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.

“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.

“A Torah scholar.  Hmmm,” the father says.  “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father.  “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir.  God will provide,” replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions the young idealist he insists that God will provide,.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”

The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Last night I went to bed at 11pm, fell asleep quickly and didn’t wake up until 6:30am.  (Maybe I slept through the night because I read my book for 2 hours before bedtime?  I’ll have to keep trying that.)  I finally got up at 7:30.

I’ve been having a problem with my back first thing in the morning.  For the first 30 minutes or so after I get up, my back feels stiff/sore/weak.  I thought it was maybe my mattress is too hard or too soft.  But now I think maybe it’s the back exercises I’m doing at the gym.  Maybe I’m using too much weight or not setting the machine correctly or doing them wrong.  I’m going to stop using it for awhile and see if that helps.

I put 5 oatmeal cookies on a plastic plate, wrapped it in saran wrap and put it in a plastic bag.  I left the apt about 9:30 and walked down to the mall.  Teresa wanted me to look for sheet sets in Distrihogar but consulting the mall directory it appears that store isn’t in Viva Envigado.

I stopped at Habia Una Vez for a café con leche.  I removed one cookie from my plate and gave the chica (girl) working there the rest.  When I left 90 minutes later and paid for my coffee the girl said the cookies were “muy rico”.

I stopped in the copy center and printed out an au pair email for my files.

Back at Palo de Rosa I asked the portero if any other gringos live in our complex.  She said there’s one who lives in our building and another in another building.

I was back at the apt by 11am.

I left again at 11:45, and arrived a couple minutes late at Bartolos.  Doug and Barb arrrived at 12:20; Barb was getting a manicure and pedicure and 15,000 pesos ($5) is much less expensive than what she would pay in the States ($20-$25).

I gave them a small plate of oatmeal cookies.  They said they would have them later with coffee.  We talked for a little while then I recommended we have lunch at La Casita Parilla.  They liked the idea of a new place so I led them on the 3 block walk.  On the way we passed a small café that is new since we moved out of our old apt.  I had a burger, Barb had the chicken breast and Doug had the ribs.  We all enjoyed our food.  I learned that the owner’s (father’s) name is Diego.  The total came to 44,000 pesos ($15) and Doug picked up the check.

Laura sent me a short video of Julia, the 1 ½ year old playing in front of her.  Very cute little girl.

We went to the bakery by city hall and they had tintos and I had a café con leche.  The total came to a little more than $1.

We said goodbye outside Bartolos; they return to the States tomorrow.

I paid the utility bill at Cotrafa after about a 20-minute wait (only 1 cashier).

I walked across the street and found a small notebook for recording my gym exercises.  Not exactly what I had before but pretty close for only 6,800 pesos.

On the way back to the apt I observed a new restaurant under construction next door to Tepito the tex-mex place.

I was back at the apt by 4pm.

Teresa took MT to Santafe mall and returned at 7:30.

She has been invited to a friend’s apartment for lunch tomorrow.

I watched more episodes of The Walking Dead on Direct TV.

At 10pm Laura called Teresa and reported everything is fine.  She loves the little girl (calls her a doll) Julia that she took care of while the other was in school.  If I understood correctly last night she slept in her clothes under 3 blankets.  Next weekend I think she’s going to need another blanket.

Joke of the day

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism.  Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.  We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People.  The nanny, let’s consider her the Working Class.  And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.  Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said.  Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets us to check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.  So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.  Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.  Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.  He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the meaning of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Wow.  I slept through the night finally waking/getting up at 6:30.  Maybe because I didn’t look at any blue screens (or at least for short duration) for 2 hours before I went to bed?

But I took a nap from 9 to 10am.

Last night I had asked Laura what time her train leaves tomorrow (now today) and she said 4:06pm.  At 11:30 last night Laura sent me a photo of her and another au pair from Bogota.  She said “I’m so tired.  I sleept 4 hours.” With crying emoji faces.

On my walk to the gym a man stopped me and asked me if there was a BBVA banco on the corner.  I had him repeat it and then I told him there is a BBVA ATM machine in the gas station.  Pretty good, huh?

At the gym I completed all my exercises in an hour and 50 minutes.  On a treadmill I saw a young man with a Chicago Bulls Michael Jordan jersey.  I texted Sara and everything is okay for Laura being picked up in Boston today.

Laura texted me a photo of Lay’s Sour Cream & Onion potato chips and told me she loves them.  I told her to be careful if she doesn’t want to get fat.

I took a plate of cookies down to the porteros.  While there a Dunkin Donuts truck went by and some of the school girls were singing their theme song.

Laura texted at 5pm that she’s on the train.  Of course the view is anything but pretty with electric substations, industrial warehouses, and the like.

Finally, after days of waiting, we finally took the boxes that have been piled up by the front door down to our storage room in the garage.

Laura is sad because her new friend from Bogota is going to be an au pair in Ohio, far from Mass.

Teresa talked to Laura, still on the train at 7:45, and after they hung up Teresa tells me that Sara is in New York.  Only after further questioning did I realize that she’s talking about Zara the store.

Laura texted me about 8:45 and reported that she was in Sara’s house and she is ok.

About 9:30 Teresa called and talked to Laura for awhile.  She then handed me the phone.  We compared notes after the call: Sara picked Laura up at the train station, they met Michael afterward, the girls are cute like dolls, she likes her room (it’s bigger than her old room here), but she doesn’t like the cold outside.  I told her that would change in a few months.  Teresa reminded me that Laura will probably want to stay another year to save money for college.

Joke of the day

A man and his wife were playing golf.  The man tees off and ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house.  The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window.

Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but no one answers.  He opens the door and inside, next to the window he sees a broken vase with his golf ball lying on the floor.

Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to apologize for breaking his window and the vase.

The man inside the house says, “No, don’t apologize, I am a genie and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have rescued me and I owe you deeply.  For helping me I will grant three wishes.  I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would like to keep one for myself.”

He asks the man what he wishes for.  The man thought awhile and says, “I wish for a million dollars.”

The genie waved his hand and said, “A million dollars, it’s yours, it has been deposited into your bank account.”

He asks the wife what is her wish.  She says, “I wish for a condominium in Hawaii.”

The genie waves his hand and says, “A condominium in Hawaii, it’s yours.”  The genie continues, “Now it is my turn.”  He thinks for awhile and says, “You know it’s been 10,000 years since I’ve had a woman, could I make love to your wife?”

The man things for awhile and says, “Honey, he gave us a million dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is make love to him.”

The wife agrees and they both go to the back bedroom.

After making passionate love, the woman says, “I can’t believe that my husband let you do this to me.”

The genie says, “And I can’t believe that your husband still believes in genies.”

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Despite getting up twice during the night, I finally woke/got up at 7:45.

Laura sent me photos of her bed (with 4 pillows) from 11:40pm last night.  She said the room looks good.

The next text was from 6:20am with a crying emoji and she says “I just wake up”.  Also, “we need to go to eat breakfast from 7:00 until 8:00 and after orientation until 5”.

The next text at 7:45 reported her room is warm but it’s horribly cold outside.

I responded right away with “hope you enjoy your American breakfast.”

She responded with “The eggs is horrible.  The fruits is good” with a photo of 3 other au pairs sitting at her breakfast table (2 of them, typically, on their cellphones).

I responded “typical hotel food” and she said “yes, I don’t like it”.

I read an internet article titled “Woman famous for hiking in her bikini freezes to death after tragic fall.”  This was during a solo trek in Taiwan.  Sounds like a good candidate for a Darwin award to me.

At 12:15 Laura sent me a photo of her lunch and said it looks better than breakfast.  I couldn’t really tell what it was – quesadillas?  Nachos?  Later she said they are quesadillas.

I left the apt about 1:30 and next door in Exito I found some real butter but I wasn’t sure it was the type I needed because it was without salt.  I walked to the mall and in Exito I found butter with and without salt.  I asked a young lady working in that aisle and she didn’t understand what I was asking but a young lady standing nearby spoke English and she helped me.  Even though there is salt in the recipe I understand butter without salt is preferred for making cookies.

I bought the butter, a bottle of Hunts BBQ sauce and a large bottle of Smuckers strawberry/grape preserves.  I went into the mall where I had a café con leche for 3,600 pesos at Habia Una Vez.  Laura texted that she’s bored with the orientation and very tired (no more going to bed at 1am and sleeping until 10am for her).  I told her the orientation is important so stay awake and pay attention.

On the way back to the apt I stopped at the next door Exito where I bought 2 bags of milk and a loaf of bread.

My outside thermometer shows 116 degrees F.  I know it’s in the bright sun but that can’t be right.

At 4:15 Teresa and I started making oatmeal cookies.  She keeps wanting to change the recipe – use less sugar or add milk.  She added more oats than the recipe called for and aren’t holding together right but we’ll see how they turn out.  Next time she wants to make cookies for herself with artificial sugar – ugh!

The oven is very small so we can only make 9 cookies at a time. 

We finally finished at 6:45; three batches +5 extra = 32 oatmeal cookies.  Most importantly, they taste good.

About 8pm I started to get photos of New York.  The skating rink at Rockefeller Center, a tall building looking down on the Empire State Building, Laura sitting on a (cold) sidewalk outside some store, the inside of a Starbucks.

I read some from my new Nook book and went to bed at 11pm.

Joke of the day

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.  The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.  After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “No, he didn’t.  He just walked in the door.”

Monday, January 21, 2019

Today Laura flies from Bogota to JFK airport in New York, weather and government closure permitting, where she will be picked up with other au pairs and taken to a hotel in Connecticut.

Per the Today show (taped at 7am ET) New York and Boston will have near record low temperatures today and there are thousands of flights cancelled and thousands of others delayed.

I left the apt at 9:20 for the gym.

Right away I ran into Max (from Switzerland) and we talked a little about the football playoffs.  He speaks good English (with an accent) but I noticed at one time he used the Spanish word “partido” instead of “game”.  I texted Laura asking if she was at the airport.  She replied she was and she was waiting.  I asked if the screens show her flight leaving on time.  She replied that she is supposed to go to the waiting room (I assume she meant the gate or boarding area) at noon.  About 11 I got a phone call from Chuck and I gave him an update on Laura and my condolences for the Saints loss.  (It looks like they got cheated out of a win.)  I completed all my exercises and walked back to the apt.

I asked Teresa about making cookies today and she said first she has other things to do first -  go through clothes Laura left behind, wash some of them, box things to give to Esmeralda, resort the closet.  We also have to move the Christmas boxes to the storage room.

I got a call from Doug (and Barb).  They are back from Cartagena and were wondering if Laura got off okay.  I updated him about Laura and told him that I would let him know if I’m in the area (the mall or downtown Envigado) sometime this week and maybe we can meet.

According to the internet, Boston & NY got much less snow than expected – only 5-13 centimeters.

At 1pm I got a text from Laura that she’s on the plane and she said “Byeee”.

I can now see her flight online; it’s scheduled to arrive at JFK at 6:56pm at Terminal 4.

https://www.flightview.com/airport/JFK-New_York-NY-(Kennedy)/arrivals

According to the Flight Tracker website for JFK, Laura’s flight – Avianca AV244 - landed on time at 7pm.  The agency warned us that she probably wouldn’t be able to contact us until tomorrow during a break in their orientation at the hotel.

I finished reading John Grisham’s Rainmaker on my Nook.  I started reading my new paperback Edge of Danger by Jack Higgins but after 10 pages I couldn’t get into it and I gave up.  In the future I’ll try to be more cafeful and read the first few pages of the book.

Laura called at 8:15 from the airport using Whatsapp.  She’s got her large suitcase, she’s with 5 other au pairs (including one from Thailand, go figure), she’s passed through customs and she’s already cold even though she’s still inside.  Most importantly, she’s happy!  She’ll text again tomorrow from the hotel.

Ten days until my brother arrives.  Physical therapy is going well on his knee.  Teresa cleared out some space in both bedroom closets so they don’t have to live out of their suitcases.

Surprisingly, Teresa gave me the go-ahead to make more cookies tomorrow.

Joke of the day

Three guys find themselves in Hell.  Let’s call them Jerry, Kenny, and Larry.  They were a little confused at their present situation, and were startled to see a door in the wall open.  Behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen.  She was 3’4”, dirty, and they could smell her over the Brimstone. 

The voice of the Devil boomed out, “Jerry, you have sinned!  You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!”  And Jerry was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his eternal torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong.  She was over 7’ tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard again, louder than before, “Kenny, you have sinned!  You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!”  And Kenny, like Jerry, was whisked off, screaming and scratching, to his doom.

Larry, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened.  And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of…Cindy Crawford!  Delighted, Larry jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.  Then he heard the voice of the Devil booming: “Cindy, you have sinned…”

Sunday, January 20, 2019

Last night I went to bed at 11:30, fell asleep quickly, got up once at 6am, finally waking/getting up at 8am.

Well, this is Laura’s last day in Medellin for at least a year.

And, today is my 6^th anniversary of arriving in Medellin.  Another gringo, Bob Sissler, I found out later was on the same flight as mine.

This is also the 2^nd anniversary of the orange turd in the White House.  How’s that working for you America?  We have real problems crying out for solutions: health care, immigration, deficits and debt, income inequality, urban violence, drugs, climate and environment, free trade, prescription costs, infrastructure decay, cybersecurity, education, student debt…and he shuts down the country over a wall???

At the last minute I found out that Teresa and MT also want to go to the airport with Laura and me and her suitcase and carry-on.  I questioned if there would be enough space in a taxi.  Teresa had a good idea – we all take a taxi from here to San Diego mall and we go effectivo from there to the airport.

Laura’s flight to Bogota leaves Rionegro about 6pm, so she will need to check in about 4pm, so we need to leave San Diego mall about 3pm, so we need to leave the apt. about 2:30.

We left the apt at 2:30 and took separate taxis to San Diego mall. 

On the way I noticed the cellphone service flyer in Laura’s file.  I asked her if she activated her T-Mobile phone sim card and she said she forgot.  I guess she can still do it in the US.

We all climbed into one effectivo car and at 3pm we left for the airport.  I asked the driver when the new tunnel from the airport to Medellin will be finished and he said April.  (I should have asked him how happy he is about that.)  We arrived at 3:45 and I paid the driver 65mil.  Outside the airport we sat for a few minutes and Teresa and Laura switched purses because Laura’s was too small.

At 4pm we got in a long line at baggage check-in.  Thirty minutes later it was her turn and her bag weighed in at 24.6kg.  Uh-oh, 1.6kg over weight.  Laura spent about 10 minutes talking to the clerk and one of the things he wanted to know is where she was staying.  It took me a minute to recall the name of the hotel but I couldn’t remember the name of the city in Connecticut.  I googled the hotel in CT and I finally remembered the name and I found the address which Laura wrote down and gave to the clerk.

Her bag checked she confirmed that it was being sent direct to JFK in NY.  I asked her where she’s going to pick up her bag and she said “the airport”.  I said where in the airport and she said “NY”.  I told her it’s a big airport so where does she think she’s going to go to pick it up.  She wasn’t concerned because a lot of au pairs are going to be in the same boat.  Okay.

We stopped a few minutes in a small store where Laura drank most of a Pony drink.  At 5pm we said our goodbyes and she took her carry-on through the TSA checkpoint.  I watched her start to walk down the hall and then I saw her turn around and head back our way.  I then lost sight of her and after 5 minutes we left.  Teresa called her and I guess everything is alright.  What was that about?

After the ladies took a quick look in Tenis and we all made a trip to the restroom we walked outside the departures level and quickly caught a taxi back to Envigado.

It’s was 5:30 as we left and the driver was driving in the wrong lane.  I guess he knew what he’s doing I just hoped the other drivers knew that too.

After 20 minutes we were in bumper to bumper traffic.  It soon cleared and we were moving faster.

We were back in Envigado by 6:20 and I paid the driver the set fee of 80,000 pesos.

I missed all of the New Orleans Saints vs L.A. Rams game won by the Rams 26-23 on a controversial (missed?) call.

Next door at Exito I bought a package of ACT II popcorn and a 600ml bottle of Coke and got back to the apt right at kickoff of the 2^nd game.  In typical Tom Brady fashion the Patriots scored a touchdown in overtime to beat the Chiefs 37-31.

Laura texted us that she arrived safely in Bogota.

Joke of the day

A small white guy goes into an elevator.  When he gets in, he notices a huge black dude standing next to him.  The big black dude looks down upon the little white guy and says, “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown.”

The small white guy faints!  The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small white guy “What’s wrong?  You alright?”

The small white guy comes to and says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

The big black dude looks down and says, “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown.”

The small white guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, ‘Turn Around.’”